All of Me (All of Me #1) Read online

  I shake my head, unable to answer her truthfully. How do I tell her how I feel when I don’t even know how I feel?

  It’s just not that simple.

  “You going to tell me what happened?”

  I look at Cassandra, and take a moment to collect the mess of thoughts floating around in my head.

  “I overheard my dad talking to Jason. Turns out my dad is handling Jason’s divorce.”

  Cassandra looks at me as if I’ve lost it, so I add, “He said he still loves me.”

  “And? That doesn’t mean anything Lace.”

  My head rears back as if she’s just slapped me in the face. She might as well have.

  “Of course it means something,” I retort. I cross my arms over my chest, and wait for her argument.

  “So you’re willing to go down the same road with a man who all but destroyed you?” Her tone is incredulous, and somewhat condescending, like she’s scolding me.

  “I didn’t say that.” I stand up, and move in front of my windows, hoping for some clarity. Cassandra wasn’t in that guest bedroom with us. She didn’t feel what I felt.

  “Then clearly I’m missing something here, so explain to me why the fact that he still loves you means something if you have no intention of trying again.”

  I spin around and straighten. “I didn’t say I wanted to try again, Cass. It’s just not as easy as I thought it would be to let go of him and what we had.”

  Cassandra stands, and places her hands on her hips.

  “It sounds like you’re considering getting back with him, Lace, and I’m going to be the first person too tell you it’s a bad idea.”

  “I’m not considering anything,” I snap, wishing she were wrong.

  “I know you, and right now you’re thinking about the possibility of trying things with him again, even after the hell he put you through - ”

  “You don’t know what hell I went through, Cass,” I interrupt. When a look of hurt flashes across her concerned face, I immediately feel guilty.

  “I may not know exactly what you went through, but I was there when you crumbled. You were a mess when we met, and I watched it get so bad that it took me almost three weeks to get you out of bed. I wiped your tears when they became too much, I listened when you needed to talk, and helped you put yourself back together enough to survive until you were ready to move on. Do you think I would allow you to willingly put yourself through that again so that Jason can get back into your panties?”

  I sigh, throwing my hands up in exasperation, and sheer exhaustion. “I still love him, Cass! And obviously he still loves me too. Shouldn’t that mean something?”

  I sound ridiculous, but I’m having trouble making sense of my conflicting emotions.

  “Not after what he did to you. Love isn’t enough anymore, Lace. You need to trust him again, he needs to prove that he’s in this for long haul, and not just for a quick fuck.”

  I huff. “What do you know about love? You’ve been leading Kyle around in circles while you sample whatever else is on offer.”

  Cassandra’s face falls, and then I realize what I just said. I’ve taken it too far.

  “You’re right,” she says, her voice shaky. Her eyes glisten, and then the tears start rolling down her cheeks. “I was scared, Lace. I’ve never felt the way I feel about Kyle before, and it terrifies me. But you know what the difference is between you and me? I would never let Kyle treat me the way you allowed Jason to treat you. I have too much self-respect.”

  I flinch. Her words are like a knife to the heart. Not because she’s the one saying them, but because she’s right. The truth hurts.

  “Are you saying I have no self-respect?”

  Cassandra walks closer to me, and then rests her hands on my shoulders. “I’m saying you deserve better. You deserve a man who will give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of, including his heart. It hurts me to see you do this to yourself, but I can’t stand by anymore and watch this train wreck in slow motion.”

  “What are you saying?” I ask, wiping at my own tears. “Our friendship is over if I take Jason back?”

  Cassandra dropped her hands, and brushed my hair out of my face. “I’m always going to be here, Lace, no matter what, but you need some time to decide what you want. You’re worth so much more than you think, you just need some time to see it.”

  I drop my head, and struggle under the weight of this mess.

  “I’ll be at my hotel if you need me,” Cassandra whispers. She presses a kiss to my head, and walks out. When the door shuts, separating me from the rest of the world, I fall onto the sofa and let it all go.

  CHAPTER 12

  JASON

  I stand in front of Lacy’s apartment door, my hands braced on either side of the doorframe. I can hear her crying and it kills me inside to know that it’s more than likely my fault.

  I left the party not long after she did, and after driving around aimlessly for over thirty minutes, I ended up here. I could have easily gone up to the top floor where my penthouse is situated, but this is where I need to be, despite the fact that I’m stalling.

  I pretend to be contemplating whether or not to knock and go in, or just walk away. But I’ve walked away from her once, and it sucked. I don’t think I want to take that chance again.

  I straighten, and twist the doorknob. I find myself both relieved and annoyed that the door is open. Relieved because if I just walk in Lacy won’t be able to turn me away, and annoyed because, well, anyone could have come in.

  I push the door open, and walk in. The room is dark, with a single lamp lit in the corner of the living room. Lacy is crumpled on the sofa, crying, and I want nothing more than to wrap her up in my arms and make her hurt go away. Instead, I shut the door gently, and take tentative steps towards her. The floorboards creak, giving away my presence, and Lacy’s head whips up. She stumbles to her feet, and wipes furiously at her wet cheeks. Her eyes are swollen and puffy, and she looks so much younger, like the girl I met and fell in love with so long ago.

  “Jason,” she sighs, “what are you doing here?”

  “I needed to see you,” I reply. “I couldn’t leave things the way they were.”

  Lacy hugs herself, her bottom lip trembling. “You shouldn’t have come. We have nothing left to say to each other.”

  “You know that’s not true. There’s still too much between us that we can’t simply ignore.”

  She snivels. “You did a great job of ignoring it until now. What’s changed?”

  What’s changed? How can she ask me that? “Everything,” I tell her, stepping closer. “I still love you, Lacy, and I’ll be damned if I allow you to give up on us without a fight.”

  “There is no us, Jason! Don’t you get that? We are nothing. We never were.”

  I close the gap between us, angered by her careless regard for our relationship.

  I stop when I’m right in front of her, and she cranes her neck to look up at me. Her eyes are so sad, and yet, I still see the fire burning in their depths.

  “You can’t tell me we were nothing, Lacy. That’s bullshit, and you don’t believe it.”

  “It doesn’t matter what I believe,” she swallows, more tears falling. “It’s over. Done.”

  She freezes when I place my hands on her forearms and pull her against me. “It’s far from done,” I whisper, my voice hoarse. “I’ll show you.”

  Before she can protest, I crash my lips to hers. She tries to push me away, but eventually I feel her relaxing into me. I coax her tongue with mine, earning a moan which I swallow with possessive greed. I want her so badly it hurts, both physically and emotionally.

  I slide my hands down to her backside, and squeeze, making sure she can feel how hard I am for her.

  But I need her to understand that it’s more than just sex. I need her in every sense. I need her to be here, with me. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I take the opportunity to lift her up. A silent thrill snakes its way through my wanton body whe
n I discover that she’s naked beneath her robe, and I feel the warmth of her pussy on my lower stomach.

  I walk us to her bedroom, our mouths moving furiously with every step, and then I lay her down gently, settling my weight over her. Her legs part, and I rub my hard cock between the apex of her thighs. The feeling is familiar, intensely so.

  I pull away, breathless, and look into her eyes. I can feel her hesitation. She’s scared. But can’t she see that I am too?

  “We can’t do this,” she says, sitting up quickly. She tries to cover up her body, but I’m too fast. I have my arm around her waist before she can even blink.

  “Please,” I beg. “Let me make love to you. Let me show you how much I’ve missed you.”

  Her body sags in my arms, and starts shaking. I turn her around so that she’s facing me, and I kiss her cheeks, licking up the salty tears. I can make this better for her, and I’ll die trying to fix what I broke. I am nothing without this woman. And it’s time I made her understand it.

  I press her onto the bed, her glazed eyes following my every movement. I can’t tell if she’s giving in or giving up. Either way I’ll take what she’s giving me.

  I part her robe, and lean down to press a kiss to her pulse. It jumps beneath my lips, as if her heart recognizes my touch, the feel of my mouth on her.

  She stays perfectly still, except for a sigh that leaves her mouth. I travel lower, sucking each perfect pink nipple into my mouth until she’s writhing in my arms. My mouth reaches her navel, and I look up in time to see her suck in some air.

  Finally, and I mean fucking finally, my lips brush against her clit. Her pussy is wet, and warm, and she smells like caramel and strawberries. It’s intoxicating. Addictive. Exquisite.

  I don’t give her much time to prepare. My tongue parts her lips, licking all the way up her slit and back down again. I suck her clit into my mouth, and then slowly push a finger inside her.

  “Ohhh,” she cries, watching me. She always loved watching me get her off, and if I’m honest, that makes me want her even more.

  I enter a second finger and crook them in a ‘come hither’ way, rubbing the spot that I know drives her insane.

  “Jason, stop. Please, I can’t,” she pleads, sobbing now. Her words are a complete contradiction to her body, the way it opens up for me, sucking me in deeper, begging for that imminent release.

  I increase my efforts, and when I feel her tighten around me, I push her over the edge, only this time I’m determined to catch her.

  When Lacy’s breathing returns to normal, I stand and start taking off my clothes. Her eyes are closed, but I know she’s very aware of what I’m doing. The raw energy pulsates between us, making the room thick with sexual chemistry. It has a heady effect on us, pushing us to the brink of insanity with no hope of ever returning.

  After chucking my clothes on the floor, I rejoin her on the bed, and settle back between her legs.

  With a light rush of my lips against hers, I say, “No more crying, baby. It’s just you and me now, no one else.”

  Her eyes open when I thread our fingers together and hold them above her head. I want to say something to her, but I’m not sure words will be enough.

  I press the head of my cock into her, and then pull out. She whimpers, and then groans when I slide all the way in.

  “Oh God,” she pants. “I fucking hate you.”

  I squeeze her hands, and push in until she can’t take anymore of me. She feels like fucking heaven and hell all rolled into one. Her body was made for me. No two bodies should be allowed to fit together so perfectly.

  “No you don’t,” I groan. “You hate how right this feels.”

  We’re looking at each other, our faces giving away everything we’ve been trying so hard to hide, and we never once break eye contact while I make her delirious with pleasure.

  When I can’t take it anymore, I increase my pace, and drive into her body until she’s screaming my name. The room fills with our heavy breathing, our collective moans and the sound of moist skin on skin.

  I bring her to the edge more than once, and finally, I jump off with her, not sure I ever want to find my way back.

  ***

  We’re lying in bed, naked and boneless. The clock reads three a.m and we have yet to fall asleep. Lacy is on her side, facing me, and I have my arm wrapped around her waist, our legs are an entanglement of sated limbs. I’m exhausted, and I know she is too, but I don’t think either of us want to sleep incase this turns out to be nothing more than a mirage.

  “You’re gorgeous,” I tell her, brushing hair out of her eyes. Her cheeks are damp from sweat, and flushed with color. I don’t think she’s ever looked sexier, or more delectable.

  “Uh, you do realize you already have me in bed right? The time for sweet talking your way into my panties has long passed.” God, I love her sassy mouth.

  I chuckle, and kiss her forehead. “I’m just being honest, baby. You’ve never looked sexier.”

  She regards me for a moment before looking at where our hands are joined between us.

  “Speaking of honesty,” she waits, and I give her time to gather the courage to tell me what’s on her mind. “Where do we go from here?”

  “I’m not sure,” I reply honestly. “Where do you want us to go?”

  She pulls her lip between her teeth, and chews it, all the while looking at me.

  “Would you be mad if I said I don’t know?”

  I frown, not quite understanding what she means. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

  She sighs, and then replies, “We have some things to work out, Jason. One night of crazy hate-slash-make-up sex isn’t going to fix that. You have some things to work out with Gemma….” She trails off, waiting for my reaction.

  I can’t deny that she has a point, but I don’t like the bitter taste it leaves in my mouth. I know sex won’t fix it, but I was hoping that she’s at least be a little more sure about what this meant, and where we are headed from here.

  “Are you saying this was a one-time thing for you?” I ask, feeling like I’ve been hit by a bucket of icy cold water.

  “No no,” she replies quickly, “I just mean that we can’t use sex as a Band-Aid. We need to talk about what we both want before we dive head first into,” she waves her hand around, “whatever the hell it is we’re doing.”

  Clearly I’ve missed something here, but then again, that’s what I get for thinking with my dick.

  “We’ll work it out,” I tell her, giving her a half-assed smile that I hope will be convincing. “But for now, I could do with some sleep.”

  Her expression falls before she returns my half-assed smile. “Okay. I’m just going to clean myself up, and then I’ll come back to bed.”

  She presses a chaste kiss to my mouth, and then walks to the bathroom. She shuts the bathroom door behind her, and something about the gesture leaves me feeling uneasy, like it’s me and not our situation that she needs space from. I can’t help but feel like for every step forward I take with her, we take another four backwards.

  When she finally makes it back to bed, I feel her curl into my side, and whisper, “What have I done?”

  I pretend to be asleep, rather than say something, but my heart sinks at the thought that she regretted tonight. That hurts, more than any physical blow.

  Two hours later, I slip out of her bed, and out of her apartment without waking her. I leave her a note, telling her I’ll call her later, and then head into the office with her words ringing loudly in my head.

  Lacy was right. We do have a lot to work out, and I’d hate for her to regret us before she even gives us a second chance.

  I have one thing to take care of though, before I can give myself to Lacy, and that’s getting my divorce papers signed.

  I just hope to God it works out before Lacy changes her mind.

  Or before Gemma can fuck it all up. Again.

  CHAPTER 13

  LACY

  I thumb the small note
in my hand, and rub at its frayed edges. Jason left it for me, saying ‘I’ll call you later, I love you x.” That was four days ago, and I’m still waiting.

  I should have known it was too good to be true. I should have been prepared for the other shoe to drop, because it always does.

  My internal dialogue has ranged from “You’re such an idiot,” to “Time to move on and forget about him.”

  Sadly, both observations are correct.

  Cassandra takes a seat opposite me, and hands me a fresh cup of coffee. Her concern is so endearing, and also undeserved. I had it coming, and yet, I didn’t stop long enough to brace myself for the eventual heartache. I thought one night with Jason would perhaps rid my body of its desire, and now I see just how foolish that notion is.

  At least I had the courage to tell her she was right, before she sprung the whole ‘I told you so’ speech on me. Not that she would have said it, given the state I’m currently in.

  “You need to eat, Lace. I’m worried about you.”

  I look away from her worried eyes, unable to stomach her concern, and out at the city. It’s teeming with life today but I haven’t felt more disconnected from it than I do right now.

  With a sigh, I give up, and reply, “Okay. Can we get some Chinese from that place down the street?”

  Her face lights up, and I hate that I’ve had her so worried the last few days. Admittedly, I’m getting tired of my own self-pity. I’m not this girl.

  “I’ll order, and then go grab it. I think you should have a nice hot bath while I’m out.”

  I nod, wanting more than anything to appease her, and reassure that I’m going to be just fine.

  She picks up the phone, and then prattles off the order. When she’s done, she runs my bath, and then leaves to collect our food. I feel so pathetic, and so pitiful that I can barely stand to see myself in the mirror. I should be mature enough to acknowledge that I did this to myself. I became distracted by the idea of being with Jason again, and just look at where it got me. Nowhere. Fucking nowhere.

  Alright, I’m about done with this self-loathing bullshit. If Jason fucking Tate doesn’t want me, then fine, but I won’t allow that to destroy who I’ve worked so hard to become.